Yesterday’s miracle…today’s trash

It feels counterintuitive to even write that as the title…but bear with me.

My epi-pens expired back in May. I have new ones - one in my purse, and one in the kitchen drawer. I’m never not without one. After all, that’s how life-saving equipment works. It has to be present to…work.

When I first moved to Austin, one of the first major hurdles I had to sort was my health insurance. With my allergies alone, it’s just not smart to not have at least emergency coverage. One whiff of Hawaiian-nut-grated-over-fresh-pineapple and I could be in full-blown anaphylaxis and racking up quite a hospital bill.

(Oddly specific? Yep, that happened-except I was thankfully spared from the hospital bill.)

I called and called and called…company after company after company. None of the big ones worked and none of the small health-sharing ministry ones.

All of them counting my tree nuts allergies as a pre-existing condition they wouldn’t cover for at least two years.

I remember the evening well. I was so stuck.

What I don’t remember is if I prayed or not.

I know that makes the story less melodic-but it’s my honest report.

Truth be told, I likely whined. I think Jesus sort of counts it, but if faint memory serves, I think I kept Googling instead.

I ended up stumbling upon a brand new insurance company. It had just been built by Silicon Valley folks and was attempting to disrupt the whole insurance industry. I called and asked a bunch of questions and it seemed like it maybe would work.

I kept running numbers, called back a few more times and ended up signing up.

Short story: it’s worked pretty well. The premise is that rather than working like a traditional health insurance company, they are a fixed indemnity insurance company. In case those are new words to you like they were to me, I’ll explain: they have predetermined what they will pay for any treatment, visit, prescription, etc. Need an X-ray? They’ve already decided they’ll pay X amount of dollars (yes, that was a pun). If my provider is more expensive, I’m on the hook for the balance…

BUT if I can find a provider for cheaper than that, I get to pocket the difference. But they would cover my allergies, no questions asked. I was stunned.

Again - I’d love to more gallantly portray myself. But I think I celebrated this monumental miracle for maybe…five minutes? A day?

And then said to the Lord…hmmm, now what do we do about my eyes and teeth?

Later that week, I was at my new allergist and she told me about a way to order a kind of epi-pen directly from the manufacturer for a fraction of the price.

I recognize this is likely not the soup you’re swimming in - but trust me: the epi-pen she was recommending is the Tesla of epi-pens. It actually talks to you. It’s compact and fancy - and had ALWAYS been out of reach for me financially. If we’re going to continue with our automotive analogies, I could have purchased a small, albeit beat-up care for less than what these typically cost.

Which brings us to yesterday’s miracle.

I order them, they come a week later…and an email from my newfound insurance company pops up. The difference between their price and the price I found on these Tesla life-savers was over $1,000.

Did I want that as a check or an account credit? The email went on to ask.

I was speechless.

Took it as a check and made a separate checking account, from which I have been able to cover all my dental and vision needs these last years as I’ve refilled these same epi-pens, pocketing the same surplus.

I know it took me a long time to get here, but as silly as it is, here we go.

This little epi-pen has become quite the symbol for me - that the Lord found me an insurance company to cover my allergies at all was mind-blowing enough, but that He used it to get me the nicest possible lifesaving device that also paid for my dental and vision insurance…it’s just too much in a tiny little talking package.

It was (and is) miraculous.

And it expired. No longer will fulfill the purpose for which it was sent.

I called my local pharmacy today to find out if there was a preferred or responsible way to dispose of my expired epi-pens.

She said, nope…we just recommend that you tape them before throwing them into the trash so no one can get hurt from the internal needle.

As I stood there taping this miracle to prepare it to throw into the trash, it’s like the Lord stopped me for a minute.

There’s a larger story going on behind the scenes in these parts for your friend Julie that I’m not quite ready to share-but suffice it to say, I’m in the spot of needing to let a lot go…grieving a lot…and looking for a new way forward.

What if to get there, I have to carefully wrap up yesterday’s miracle and…throw it in the trash?

Doesn’t that sound awful? It makes me cringe to type it.

But He’s doing a new thing. He always is. Look at the dew on your morning walk tomorrow - watch as it glistens on the spiderwebs formed overnight. Notice it in the noisy play of your toddler neighbor laughing as he chases bubbles through the parking lot. Pay attention to the tiny little leaves at the bottom of a dying plant that indicate there’s still life in these roots.

And…

Put the trash in the trash. Tape it up so it doesn’t injure anyone else while you grieve (might be a good analogy about keeping your mouth shut while you’re in pain, but I’ll let you decide that for yourself).

And then?

Actually throw it away.

There’s no room for old clutter in the new thing.

Did it save my life yesterday?

Yep.

Is it still expired as of today?

Yep.

Which means I need a new miracle today.

I have strong “keeping” tendencies. I can almost always imagine a new use for an old thing. A fair amount of the time, I’m right. And I’m wrong quite a bit as well.

In this season of letting a lot go - I’m learning to grieve and release what served me yesterday that no longer works today. The skills of survival and the skills of thriving are different after all. It requires different things to build than to maintain.

I’m asking myself (and my faithful Friend Jesus) today: what can I let go of? What served me yesterday that is expired today? How can I release that afresh? What new life could be waiting around the corner?

What hasn’t expired is my God’s good, good plans for my future. He’s accounted for this puzzling, bewildering season in my life in every possible way. He has new miracles up His sleeve.

He’s doing a new thing…I can let this one go.

PS: if you need a soundtrack for that, I’d recommend Anna Golden’s new tune “Manasseh.” My favorite line….I can let it all go, I can let it all go…You can take it from here.”

What might you be able to let go of today? What can you trust God to take it from here?